Missing you

MISSING YOU……


I still remember the day when someone ran to me and told that one of my classmate’s father had passed away. We all went to see him. Though he had accepted that it was good for his father to have gone away as, if he was alive he would have been a vegetable, he was broken. I could not understand why, when someone could easily accept that something good has happened, still could not be happy altogether? Why is this person so broken?

I understand this feeling very well now. After so many years, when my father, after having suffered for so many years, is happily away from his body now, I am still upset that he is not with me. I have not been with him physically for the last 4 yrs of his life. I was miles away from him, though talking to him on a regular basis. It should not be so difficult the fact that he is “No more!” as I was used to the distance. But still, I am unable to accept the fact that he is “Gone”.

It’s exactly a month now. We have even started his first monthly anniversary. I now have many question unanswered. Those questions, which I doubt, I would have asked if he was alive. 

I want to know if he knew he was going to leave his physical form & if he was comfortable with it. I want to know if he understands that we would take care of our mother well, even in his absence. I want to know if he understands that we feel blessed that we had the chance to help him, whenever & however he wanted us. I want to know if he understands that we are very proud of him and we will be following his footsteps. 

We could not tell him these things, but I want him to know. We never felt it necessary to say these things when he was alive. But these questions remain unanswered but will always be lingering in our minds.

We do understand that he is always with us. I believe that he is still alive but just not in his physical form. But not to hear him call me “dolly” for my birthday hurts. Not to get that card anymore signed in his small lettered handwriting for my birthday does hurt. Not to hear his advises anymore, though I am sure he is guiding me hurts more. 

I am so attached to his physical form that even when I know that he is in a form where he can be of more help to us and in a form where he is more comfortable, I want him in his physical form. I know I am such a selfish person but it hurts when I realize his physical form is missing now.

Daddy…….. I miss you.

My Daddy

“Daddy” – The very word means the world to all of us. But for the 2 of us, (or should we say the five of us?) – it means the whole universe. You must be wondering why & how our father was different. And also wondering how the 2 became the 5. I will tell u in short.

In this world of commercial & mechanic life, it is very difficult to find someone who is totally selfless. But even if you find someone like that, it is even more difficult to find people who have used their physical body to live for their beloved. One such person is my daddy – My Manusha.

Daddy became a prey to paralytic attack at a very young age of 47yrs – 17 years and a few months back on 14^th August 1991. The doctors gave us no hopes of seeing him alive again as the haemorrhage was very huge. The only thought that was going through daddy’s sub-conscious mind even when he was undergoing a torture of being in the ICU was “My wife and children need me”. At this point, I need to give you some reason for such thoughts of his.

Mummy was a cousin of daddy, and it was decided that they would be married even when my mom was born. Daddy was 10 yrs old when mummy was born. At the age of 11, my mother lost her father and underwent a huge tragic life. Daddy was just waiting for the right time. After six years, when daddy was 27 & mummy 17, he decided it was the right time to get married to my mom and give her a different and happy life. Thus they were married on the 29^th Jan 1971.

More than just being a husband and a friend, he took up the role of a father also for my mom. He advised her well. He became her backbone. He helped her complete her education & Post Graduation.

My brother – Raghav was born on 31^st March 1974. I was born on 15^th February 1980. When my daddy had his attack of paralysis, Raghav was 17 yrs having just completed his schooling and entering the college.

In the hospital, his mind was fighting for us not to have a repeat of what my mother went through during her childhood. He wanted us to have the best education. He wanted my mother to have the best life, and so, he fought and to the surprise of all the doctors, he came back to offer us the life we wanted.

Though he was alive, he did not have much support from his body. Due to the severity of his attack, where, just being alive was a miracle, his left side was totally paralysed. He did not dither. He took up his job again. Since he could not continue in his post of a Manager, he wrote to his management to offer him a post of an officer & keep him in one single branch until he retired. Thank God, this was offered and he continued to work.

This was not easy. The already paralysed body, was again attacked by Arthritis. Not only on his left side but also on his right side, which left him with very less mobility. This again left him sores on his legs, which became a habitat for ants!!!! Can you imagine?

This was not all. People say that “They have shed blood as tears to support their families.” For all, it would be verbatim. But for my father, this is true to the words. Daddy’s cataract operation for his right eye had problems due his paralysis and hence, he had to take an injection everyday in his eyes, for 14 days. This would result in his eyes bleeding every time he took this injection!!!!

He also had seizures at regular intervals for 4 years. He would be admitted in the hospital for a couple of days. With tubes all over. Then he would always come back to continue his fights with the life outside and with his body within.

The accounts given above are just samples. There were much more he had endeavoured. Not only for the three of us but also for our life partners whom he chose with much love & affection. Subha – my brother’s wife and Raja – My Husband. He took all this without any complaints. Never has he said he is taking trouble, but he used to feel guilty that he was troubling us.

But, on 25^th December 2008, he fell unconscious and his brain stopped working. He passed away on 27^th December 2008. This time his body failed to co-operate with him. No.......according to us he has now been relieved of his troubles ATLAST! Daddy has been freed from his physical tortures.

We could not say this to our daddy when he departed from his body, as he was unconscious & it was very much sudden. We use this to convey the same to him. We are sure that daddy is reading this.

“Daddy, we are all Proud of you and proud of what you have given us. We are happy that you are freed from all your tortures. We love you and will forever. Daddy, we want to say Good bye to your body but we are hoping you would continue to guide us & bless us being Omnipresent. We love u daddy.”